Ohio State Students Hold Annual ‘Back To School’ Riot

COLUMBUS, OH--Students from Ohio State University gathered together yesterday to perform one of the schools most cherished and time honored traditions. They rampaged through the town, overturned cars, started fires, and assaulted police officers during their annual "back to school" riot. Law enforcement officials reported over 200 arrests, 57 injuries, and one death in what students are calling “the best riot ever.”

“Now that was a riot,” said an exhausted Bill Haber, 19. “Last year’s was pretty tame, under a million bucks in damage. But this year, we really set a new standard for excellence. Its gonna be tough to top this one.”

The riot began with the annual “Trashin’ O’ the Campus” ceremony, in which thousands of inebriated students marauded through the campus, destroying everything in sight. By all accounts it was a roaring success, but it was just a precursor to the festivities that lay ahead. After the campus trashing, the students spread out into the city of Columbus, bringing their youthful exuberance to the city’s shops, citizens, and motor vehicles.

“We had a record number of overturned cars,” said Sgt. Jeff Nicolo of the Columbus PD. “These kids were really energetic this year. They must be totally pumped up for football season. I just hope they don’t win the national title this year. Or lose the national title.”

If there’s one thing Ohio State students have proved in the past, it’s that they don’t need a reason to riot. In the fall of 2000, students rioted when Ohio State lost a close football game to the hated Michigan Wolverines, and last November they rioted when the team won a close game against the Wolverines. In addition, last spring they burned down the Office of Student Affairs when the cafeteria ran out of sporks.

Residents of the city have been preparing for the riots for weeks in advance. The mayhem in Columbus is such a regular occurrence, that most residents don’t seem fazed by it. They just take it all in stride, and let the kids do their thing.

Said James Norkum, 38: “I just put masking tape over my windows. They say that makes them harder to break. And I park my car in the garage cause you never know when they’re gonna come turn it over. I'll say one thing for these kids. They’re exuberant. Violence, destruction, death. It's kind of a riot of passage in this town.”

The Ohio State riots have been getting larger and more sensational each year. This year’s riot even had a corporate sponsor. The official title was “The Ohio State Back To School Riot Brought To You By Coors Lite”.

“The Coors Lite thing was a stroke of genius,” said Meyer. “They not only paid for the baseball bats and kerosene, but they supplied the most important ingredient: beer.”

Some, however, are not thrilled with the size and scope of the Ohio State riots. Former players and alumni have expressed disdain for the overblown, over commercialized riots of the modern era, and long for simpler times, when they were spontaneous acts of hatred and drunken stupidity.

Said former Ohio State star Cris Carter: “When we were in school, riots just broke out spontaneously. You know, we’d lose a big game, or win a big game, and a bunch of kids would go out and destroy everything in sight, and of course, beat the crap out of anyone who got in the way. We didn’t have any sponsorship or celebrity participants. But you know how it is today. Once something becomes trendy, the corporations come calling. Ohio State riots have lost their innocence.”