CHICAGO--Nike continued to tighten its grip on inner cities across America today with the release of its new brand of crack, called Nike X-treme Crack Cocaine. Already a huge influence with its sneakers, athletic apparel and close association with basketball mega-stars, Nike is attempting to put local drug dealers out of business by supplying their own brand of crack. Each gram will be priced extremely high and have a tiny swoosh symbol drawn on the side.

“We felt that it was time to evolve beyond just being an athletic apparel company,” said Nike CEO Phil Knight. “By venturing into the narcotics market, we’re helping ourselves diversify and also extending our influence over inner city kids in the 18-25 demographic.”

The Nike corporation used the latest in crack making technology to produce the crack which is scientifically proven to get the user higher than he or she has ever been.

“This is powerful stuff,” says crack technician Dr. Jonathan Capwell. “Of course, our Nike technicians were working for months on the perfect formula to get the most out of the drug. We utilized the most powerful space-age polymers to build the perfect specimen. Nike brand crack is specifically designed to fuck you up big time.”

Nike has also launched an advertising campaign to publicize the new line of crack. Billboards are springing up across the country with the slogan Crack: Just Do It. They have also worked out a deal to be the Official Crack of the NBA. Next are a series of commercials featuring several NBA stars smoking crack. Even Commissioner David Stern has agreed to appear in a couple of spots.

“I don’t like drugs very much at all,” said Stern. “In fact, I’m well-known for my anti-drug stance. But I don’t mind poking a little fun at myself. Besides that, this shit is pretty good. And my kids, they love it. Can’t keep em away from the darn stuff. This new Nike crack may force me to rethink my whole anti-drug stance.”

City leaders are outraged at Nike’s latest move, and are pleading for authorities to step in and intervene.

“Think of the children,” says Rodney Green, counselor from the Harlem Center for Youth. “We shouldn’t be encouraging them to smoke crack. We should be encouraging them to go to school, or at least play basketball. Seeing a chunk of crack with a swoosh symbol on it is just gonna be too tempting.”

For its part, Nike insists that its new crack won’t have an adverse affect on inner city kids at all. They claim that crack is already a part of inner cities, and they’re just offering a better product.

“Why shouldn’t kids be able to smoke the best crack possible?”asked Knight. “We didn’t invent the crack problem, but we’re going to make it better by providing some kick ass shit that will fuck you up big time. On top of that, we are giving back to the community. A percentage of all our profits will go towards the building of drug rehab centers. We here at Nike don’t condone crack addiction. We think you should do it recreationally.”

Word on the street is that the new crack is going to be a huge seller. Samples given out to local schoolchildren and vagrants received rave reviews, and advance sales have been through the roof.

“We’re looking to move close to a ton of rock in the first month,” said Helen Manfred, director of sales and marketing for Nike. “The demand is unbelievable. Boy do these people love crack! We really are providing a service to these sorry bastards. The way we see it, if they’re gonna do crack and risk their lives, we might as well make a few bucks off it in the process. Wait a minute…don’t print that.”

Nike isn’t limiting itself to just producing the crack. It will also release its own line of crack pipes that will be made available at FootLocker stores across the country. There are three kinds of pipes being manufactured: one for smoking crack, one for smoking opium, one for weed, and a cross trainer, which is adaptable for any drug.

FootLocker has reportedly ordered millions of dollars worth of the merchandise and plans to mark up the price and sell them alongside other Nike products.

“We’re going to put it on display right here in the window,” said Rick Robison, manager of Foot Locker in Athens, GA. “Right in between this cool Willis Reed retro jersey and this Adidas warm-up suit. Normally, we wouldn’t put crack on display so prominently, but this is a Nike product, so we know it's top of the line. If kids are going to smoke crack, we encourage them to smoke Nike crack.”




New Nike Brand Crack Hits Inner Cities
July 23rd, 2003 - Volume 1 Issue 8