NEW YORK--It’s a question most NBA fans are afraid to ask, but as more and more NBA players are being sued for paternity and carousing with immodest women, many are wondering if the unthinkable is occurring in the league. Though everyone knows that bearing children while unmarried is sinful and reprehensible, there is ample evidence that some NBA players have participated in the ghastly act. With suspicion at an all-time high, the league may no longer be able to dodge the question that has dogged it for years: Are some NBA players having children out of wedlock?
“I know a lot of people have been in denial about this for a long time, but the fact is, there are NBA players out there fathering children with women who they are not married to,” said Sports Illustrated senior editor Sandy Bailey. “It’s hard to believe, considering the plethora of responsible, morally strong, compassionate human beings in the league. But the sad truth is, there may be some men of questionable values in the National Basketball Association.”Bailey considers the moral decay of the NBA indicative of a larger, society-wide trend. Statistics show that thirty percent of all children are born out of wedlock, and those children come from all walks of life. Even the NBA, a bedrock of integrity and stability, has been affected by this terrible scourge.
According to a special report in the latest issue of Sports Illustrated, several NBA stars have already been subjected to paternity-related lawsuits. They include Larry Johnson, who has five children by four women, Stephon Marbury, who has two illegitimate children, Juwan Howard, who has three by three different mothers, and Shawn Kemp, who somehow managed to sire twelve children from thirteen different mothers. The list goes on, and even includes former greats such as Larry Bird and Isiah Thomas. So clearly the problem has existed for some time.
“Obviously this is not something that has happened overnight,” said Bailey. “The problem has been festering for years, and finally it’s coming to a head. It’ll be interesting to see how America responds to this story. This nation, historically, has had low tolerance for sports stars and celebrities of weak moral fiber, so my prediction is that these shocking revelations will drive the NBA’s ratings straight into the ground.”
In addition to the high profile players mentioned above, there are reportedly hundreds of other players who have borne children outside of the sanctity of marriage. Some are married and committing adultery, and some are single and having sexual relations with other single partners. They may not have been taken to court for their sins, but they are just as guilty as the ones who have.
One player, speaking anonymously, said there are “a shitload” of illegitimate children born to NBA players every year.
“I would say that close to 50 or 60 percent of all players have had children out of wedlock,” said the player. “It’s crazy. It’s like these guys never read the Ten Commandments. Hello? Having sex outside of marriage is considered adultery. Having children outside of marriage is even worse. Now those kids will grow up knowing that they’re illegitimate bastards. They’ll be ostracized by the normal kids, and for good reason.”
The player also hinted that many NBA stars are living in sin with unmarried women.
“A lot of these guys live with girls that they are not married to. It’s true. I’m not lying to you. This is the league’s dirty little secret. Oh sure, when you think of the NBA, you think of God- fearing, humble, thoughtful, and sensible people, but that’s just the media image. Everyone in the league knows that there is a vast amount of sinning going on. I just hope something gets done soon, or American will turn away from basketball and turn to more honorable sports, like hockey.”
NBA Commissioner David Stern spoke out publicly today for the first time regarding the recent expose in SI. Addressing reporters in the lobby of his Manhattan office, Stern vowed to clean up the league and hold players to a higher standard of behavior in the future.
“This is a very difficult day for the NBA, and for America,” said Stern. “Some might say that a small part of our innocence has been lost, that the illusion of basketball players as pious, saint-like creatures has been punctured. In fact, I’m so distressed, I’m going to look up to the heavens and unleash an enraged howl of despair: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! WHY! WHYYYYY!!!…There. That’s better. Anyway, I can assure America that our league officials are working in conjunction with the players union to ensure that this problem is alleviated soon. Remember, the majority of NBA players are upstanding, responsible citizens. It is only a small amount of criminal scumbags who are having children outside the sacred sacrament of marriage.”
Only one person was able to see the bright side of the latest scandal. Charles Barkley, ex-player and current basketball analyst for TNT, shrugged off the reports of out-of-wedlock children.
“Listen, all these guys that have been getting laid by girls they’re not married to—it’s no big deal,” Barkley said during half-time of Sunday’s Wolves-Kings game. “See, you have to think about it this way—All the players that are in the league right now, a lot of them were born out of wedlock, too. Statistically, if you don’t have a dad, you’re twice as likely to become an NBA player. I read that somewhere, I think. So if you have a bunch of players who are getting married and being all responsible, and having kids that are well-adjusted and sensitive, then where is the NBA gonna get it’s players? All these illegitimate kids are going to become the basketball stars of tomorrow. So stop complaining, everybody. Bastards are the cornerstone of the NBA.”
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