NBA Stars Help Stamp Out Literacy With ‘Reading Is Pointless’ Campaign

CHARLOTTE, NC-The NBA has suffered its share of bad press in the last few years, but the league is out to prove that the vast majority of its players are caring, committed and socially conscious. That’s why they’re reaching out to the nation’s youth with a new program designed to raise awareness about the perils of reading. With the new “Reading is Pointless” campaign, the NBA is making a pitch to stamp out literacy forever.

“What we’re trying to do is educate children – raise their awareness – about the pointlessness of reading,” says Commissioner David Stern. “If there’s any group of people who can attest to that, it’s NBA players. Reading hasn’t exactly been ‘fundamental’ for these guys. Some of them are actually illiterate. Bet you can’t guess which ones.”

The pointlessness of literacy is a subject that’s close to the hearts of many NBA players. This isn’t some publicity ploy designed to create a photo-op; it’s a sincere and honest effort on the part of the players to share some of their wisdom with our nation’s youth.

“I truly believe that children are our future,” says Portland’s Bonzi Wells. “We need to invest in them and show them all the beauty they posses inside. We need to warn them against wasting their precious time learning to read, when they should be spending it on other things, like playing and watching basketball…and smoking pot”

“I’m a perfect example of someone who hasn’t benefited from reading at all,” says Washington’s Gilbert Arenas. “I can’t even spell my own name – I really can’t. But it hasn’t hindered me at all from achieving my dream. And it won’t hinder the nation’s children either; provided their dreams involve shooting, passing, or rebounding a basketball.”

Carmello Anthony, the rookie for the Denver Nuggets who left college in his freshman year, is deeply concerned about the nation’s obsession with literacy.

“Whenever I see a young kid reading, it always makes me sad,” Anthony says. “What a waste of time. Look at me - I cheated my way through high school and sailed through one year of college on a basketball scholarship. Do you think I know how to read? Hell no. But I can ball. And that’s what these kids need to learn. Reading is pointless.”

As part of the campaign, players will visit schools and community centers in cities across America promoting a literacy free lifestyle. It’s a cause many in the league can relate to, especially the ones who actually are illiterate.

“I haven’t read a book since grade school, motherfucker,” said Rasheed Wallace to a kindergarten class in Portland. “The only time I pick up a paper is to read the sports page. And they got lots of pictures and numbers and shit, so there’s really no need to read. If I were you guys, I would give up on the reading thing. It’s fucking pointless.”

But it’s not just the illiterate players who are joining in on the cause. Even some of the most well-read stars see little or no reason to for children to pursue literacy.

“I can read, I just choose not to,” says Orlando’s Tracy McGrady. “When I look back at all the hours of my life spent on reading, I just get furious. Who’s gonna give me all that time back? The only thing I can do now is travel the country warning kids against the dangers of reading. If you wanna get anywhere in life, put down the books and learn something useful.”

To make sure the message gets across to the entire nation, the NBA has decided to film a series of public service announcements. The PSA’s will air on Saturday mornings to reach the maximum number of young viewers. The first ad stars Boston’s Paul Pierce, a bright young star who knows full well the pointlessness of reading.

An excerpt from the ad: “Hi, I’m Paul Pierce. I know many of your friends, teachers, and parents have been pressuring you to learn to read. They may try to frighten you by telling you that’s its not cool to be illiterate. But don’t give in to the peer pressure. Remember, anyone who tries to teach you to read is not your friend. Reading is pointless – whether it be a newspaper, a magazine, or a John Grisham novel. So next time someone tries to talk you into reading, just tell em no thanks. The less you know, the better off you are.”

So far it looks like the campaign is making a difference. Literacy has been on a steady decline recently, and most children would rather spend their time on more worthy pursuits, like playing video games.

One young man, 10 year old Brian Anderson of Overland Park, KS says that the “Reading is Pointless” campaign has changed his life.

“I hate learning to read. I hate books. I wanna be like Bonzi Wells and get baked all day and shoot hoops. That sounds like more fun than reading and cursive and shit.”

The NBA isn’t merely giving lip service to the literacy epidemic; it's taking action. A new program called “Hoops Instead of Books” provides an alternative to reading by sponsoring midnight basketball leagues, a sanctuary for those trying to resist the temptation of literacy.

“Hoops Instead of Books’ is a wonderful program,” says Stern. “It gives kids a positive place to hang out where they won’t feel pressured to read or write. We’ll teach them valuable life skills, like playing basketball and purchasing basketball-related products.”

The R.I.P. campaign will also feature a pro-active initiative designed to get books out of the hands of children. The Book Buy-Back program will offer children cash, hoops gear, retro-jerseys, and sneakers in exchange for reading material. The purchased reading materials will be burned in a gigantic incinerator, thereby assuring they can’t do any more harm then they’ve already done.