PORTLAND, OR--All around the nation, prostitutes are preparing for a dramatic increase in business, as the 2004 NBA season is about to get underway.
“Ah, there’s nothing like the fall. The leaves are changing, the kids are back in school, and the Trail Blazers are back in town, purchasing prostitutes,” said Taneesha, 24, a Portland-area hooker. “People don’t realize how much they give back to the community. Qyntel Woods, Zach Randolph, and Darius Miles are all great customers. I’ve even been with Shareef Abdur-Rahim. Don’t let those Muslims fool you. They like sex just as much as anyone.”
Taneesha credits the Trail Blazers with helping her achieve her dream of going to nursing school.
“I’ve been able to attend night classes at Portland State thanks to those guys,” she said. “In fact, I paid for an entire semester in one night with Qyntel and Darius.”
Across the country in Atlanta, working girls are welcoming the NBA back with open arms. After an unusually slow summer, professional basketball players are just what the doctor ordered.
“Summer was slow. Very slow,” said Dara Walker, 36. “I was kicked out of my apartment in June and have been living on the streets ever since. I’m counting on these guys to get me back on my feet and into a new place. They’re my only hope. They are the lifeblood of this industry.”
One problem that the prostitutes face is competition from other girls. As soon as autumn arrives, hundreds of them descend on NBA cities like Miami, Los Angeles, and Denver to get a piece of the action. This infuriates the locals, who say the out-of-towners should stick to their own turf. Unfortunately, money is tight and most girls will go wherever they can to find work.
23-year-old prostitute “Jade” arrived in Denver last week and has already ruffled feathers among the local girls.
“I know they’re mad about me being here, but that’s tough shit,” she said. “I come from Boulder and there’s no NBA team there. Believe me, there is plenty of work to go around in this city. You really notice a difference when you come from a non-NBA town. One NBA player can provide food, clothes, and shelter for about a dozen girls a month. And if you’re lucky enough, you might even get caught in the act by the cops and them become embroiled in an ugly public scandal. Then Bob Ley from Outside the Lines comes calling. Cha-ching! Jackpot.”
The rampant use of hookers in the NBA is no secret. Even the players admit that it’s an integral part of life as a basketball star. Several members of the world champion Detroit Pistons, for example, described purchasing sexual favors on a nightly basis during their postseason run.
“Oh yea, man, you really have to keep yourself loose when the pressure is on like that,” said one player, who asked not to be identified. “And the best way to keep loose? Blow jobs. After every game we have our posse members go out and pick up some girls for us. I usually have three or four a night during the playoffs, just because I have to let off steam, you know? But it’s no big deal. Everyone knows about it. Even my wife knows about it. But she doesn’t mind. She’s just proud that I haven’t raped anybody.”
NBA commissioner David Stern denies that prostitution is rampant among NBA players. Even though there is mounting evidence to the contrary, Stern believes that the league’s players are mostly upstanding citizens and that the ones who do solicit prostitutes are in the minority.
“All this stuff you hear about hookers in the NBA is vastly exaggerated. In fact, I consider it an unfair stereotype,” said Stern. “Most of these players are married with children, so I seriously doubt they would spend their time fornicating with common street walkers. These guys spend their downtime visiting children’s hospitals and reading to the blind. And if they want to ‘blow off some steam’ I’m sure they’d head down to the gym and practice their defense. And if they need someone to fellate them and give them hand jobs, well, that’s what agents are for.”
This article is satire and is not intended as actual news. Copyright 2004, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission