Major League Soccer’s Only Soccer Ball Kicked Onto Neighbor’s Roof

SAN JOSE, CA - Major League Soccer was forced to hold an emergency meeting when the league’s only soccer ball was kicked onto a neighbor’s roof by the San Jose Earthquakes’ Landon Donovan. The incident occurred at the Earthquakes’ practice facility, where the team was engaged in its offseason workouts.

“It was our turn to use the ball,” said Donovan, from his offseason home in San Diego. “We wanted to get in some quality practices in preparation for the new season. Unfortunately, I booted the ball and it went high in the air and landed on old man McDougle’s roof. It’s way up there, and nobody on the team wants to go over there and ask him for it. The guy’s nuts.”

Donovan’s teammates are irate at him for his carelessness with the league’s only ball, and are calling for disciplinary action against the star scorer.

“That was really lame,” said one teammate, speaking on condition of anonymity. “He’s such a fucking showoff. He always has to show people he’s got the strongest leg, and he can kick the ball farthest. Did it ever occur to him that old man McDougle’s place is right next door and he should be careful with the ball? No. Tell me, how the fuck are we supposed to afford another ball? We’re not the NBA, you know.”

According to witnesses, the tragic error could have been avoided. It started when teammate Jeff Agoos kicked the ball out of bounds near where Donovan was doing his stretching exercises. When Agoos called out for “a little help” Donovan responded by grabbing the ball, winding up, and kicking it with all his strength. The ball sailed over Agoos’s head and landed on Mr. McDougle’s roof. Everyone on the field stopped what they were doing and held their breath, waiting to see if the ball would roll down, but it did not. It was trapped, tragically, in the gutter.

“We all held our breath waiting for it to roll down, but it never did,” said Agoos. “Then we all sort of stared at each other, wondering what to do.”

After some deliberation, it was decided that any attempt at ball retrieval was too dangerous.

“That guy has a shotgun,” said Donovan. “I heard the last time someone tried to go over there and knock on his door, he pulled the gun out and threatened him. And not only that, he has this insane rottweiler. Fucking thing is foaming at the mouth. I guess we’ll just have to use a volleyball or a dodgeball now.”

Mr. McDougle was reached for comment, but he refused to allow MLS to retrieve the ball from his roof.

“Get the fuck outta here!” cried McDougle, an elderly alcoholic shut-in. “Get those fuckin kids outta here! I’ll pull my fuggin shotgun out an blow their little heads off. Where’s my dog? Where’s Hitler? Go get em, boy! Kill! Kill!”

The emergency meeting of the MLS brass was held at Commissioner Don Garber’s apartment in Sacramento. They reportedly discussed contingency plans for next season, as the prospect of raising enough money for a new ball by the start of the 2004 campaign looked bleak.

“Basically, it was decided that we were going to have to go with a volleyball,” said Garber, in a telephone interview from his home. “Granted, volleyballs are white, but we could paint little black squares on them to make them look more realistic. As for the weight and bounce of the volleyball versus the soccer ball, well, there’s not much we can do. If you have any more questions about that, why don’t you direct them to Mr. Leadfoot, Landon Donovan? I’m sure he feels like a big man now that he showed everyone how far he can kick the ball.”

Garber also explained that the league had drained its savings account purchasing advertising for the 2003 Major League Soccer Championship. The fancy ads, which were placed on the sides of buses and on park benches, were supposed to propel the league into the spotlight, but the plan didn’t work.

“We had 3,700 dollars in our savings account at Illinois Community Credit Union, and we used every penny of it on advertising,” said Garber. “I did a lot of research at the library and found that advertising is the quickest, most effective way to get your business off the ground. Well, that’s a crock of shit. We still have no audience, except for a bunch of dorky schoolgirls who haven’t outgrown soccer yet, and the families and friends of our players. I don’t understand it. Soccer is an exciting, international sport that is hugely popular everywhere but here. Even the goddamn WUSA is more popular than our league. Maybe that’s because they’re girls, and they look kind of cute with those shorts on.”

As word spread to the league’s other franchises, many expressed outrage at Donovan’s carelessness, and frustration at the financial struggles of the league.

“Goddamn that guy,” said Damani Ralph of the Chicago Fire. “He’s such an asshole. I’ve known that guy for years and I’m telling you, he always has to be in the spotlight. Well, now we have no more soccer balls, and it’s his fault. Maybe this will teach him to be more careful, especially when he’s standing right next to old man McDougle’s fence.”

Ralph’s teammate, Ante Razov, expressed frustration with the league for not putting enough money in the bank to cover emergencies like this.

“How can they not afford another ball? They cost, like, twenty dollars. What is wrong with these Americans? I tell you, in Europe, we never had these problems. There was always plenty of soccer balls, nets, uniforms, you name it. The only downside was we had to live in Europe.”