MLB To Institute New Minority Firing Initiative

NEW YORK--Bud Selig announced at a press conference today that major league baseball had passed a new minority firing initiative, which will force teams that are laying off employees to place minorities at the top of the list. The team must show proof that it has at least examined minority candidates for being fired before resorting to the firing of non-minorities. The new mandate will offset the current mandate, a hiring initiative that was adopted to spur an influx of blacks and Latinos into front office positions.

“We felt, in the interest of fairness, the league needed to level the playing field a little and do something to tip the scales back in favor of white people,” said Selig.

The league hopes that the new mandate will effectively stem the tide of minority hirings that has plagued it in the past few years.

“For the league it’s a way to bring about the hiring of minorities, which we support a hundred percent, but also effectuate the firing of minorities, which we also support.”

The move has outraged the league's minorities and has them threatening legal action. Baseball's plethora of Latino players has spoken out in protest of the initiative, which they call “blatantly racist.”

“This is the most racist thing I’ve ever seen,” said Pedro Martinez, pitcher for the Boston Red Sox. “Latinos have done so much for the league and this is the thanks we get? They should be ashamed of themselves. Oh well, I guess I should be happy they’re not paying us in pesos anymore.”

The initiative will take effect immediately, with all teams expected to submit a report to the commissioner’s office about their progress in the area of firing minorities. One team, the Montreal Expos, is scrambling to get up to speed with the rest of the league, and is currently evaluating each minority employee to see who is expendable. The team, which is currently being run by Major League Baseball, is spearheading the new initiative with some proactive moves.

“Let’s see, we’re probably going to fire the assistant traveling secretary, Leo Morehouse,” says Selig. “He’s an African American and he’s pretty expendable, so he’s gone. Louis Phillips, receptionist in our front offices--gone. Hector, one of our janitors? Gone. Actually, this is going to be easier than I thought.”

How long it will take for the league to correct the problem of much minority hiring is hard to tell. Over the years the league has made such great strides that reversing the trend could take some time.

“What we’re looking to do is change the current climate in the game that encourages diversity and fair hiring practices,” said Selig. “With this initiative, we know we can get rid of some of the minorities in front office positions. Don’t get me wrong. We love minorities, but we don’t want to have too much of a good thing here. The fact is, there are plenty of minorities in baseball now. Do we really need more?”

MLB considers itself the leader in minority hiring and firing practices. The new mandate, according to the league, will show the sports world that baseball means business when it comes to reducing the number of minorities in the workplace.

Said Selig: “We’d like to say to America that yes, we do appreciate the positive effect that minorities have had on the game of baseball but no, we’re not really interested in having them working side by side with us in front offices.”

The confusing, conflicting initiatives have some questioning their motives. It remains a mystery why the league can’t settle for one initiative, instead of installing two that cancel each other out.

“The league is big on keeping up with appearances,” said an anonymous league source. “They want people to know that they do support affirmative action but, typical of baseball, they don’t want to commit to any one course of action. This was the best way for them to have their cake and eat it too”

League president Sandy Alderson attempted to explain the league’s position, claiming that the league is anything but racist.

“Racist? That’s preposterous,” Alderson told a group of reporters yesterday. “This league has a lot of very prominent minorities on the field. They are treated well and paid handsome salaries. Baseball has been very, very good to them, and we plan on continuing our productive, mutually beneficial relationship with players of all colors and backgrounds. So don’t think of it as racism. Think of it as ‘reverse affirmative action.’ There, does that help at all?”