Man Playing Entire Season Of MLB 2004 Not Getting Laid Anytime Soon

DES MOINES, IA--Doug Greenbaum, a 31-year-old unemployed postal worker from Des Moines, IA, is in the midst of playing an entire season in "franchise mode" of EA Sports' MLB 2004. Despite the fact that his team, the Chicago Cubs, is in first place and his pitching has improved drastically, even Doug knows there is a good chance he won't be getting laid anytime soon.

"I don't see myself getting laid anytime soon," says Doug, lying on his sofa with a five-day growth of stubble on his face. "It's just not gonna happen. It's cool though. I still have PlayStation to keep me busy. I'm playing on all-star level now, the highest level there is. So I have that going for me"

Greenbaum purchased the video game three months ago after he was laid off from his job at the post office, and has been playing it ever since. Immediately after the purchase, he read the manual and learned about franchise mode, a mode where the user can choose his own team and embark on a season's worth of games that mimic the actual MLB schedule. The object is to win as many games as possible, make the postseason, and win the World Series

"I've improved by leaps and bounds, " says Greenbaum. "When I first got the game I couldn't even field. I kept throwing to the wrong base. But I've totally taken my game to the next level. I have a great chance of making the postseason. And I've got plenty of time, since there are no woman in my life and I certainly wont be getting laid in the near future"

Doug's friends agree with his assessment. John Morello, a friend of nearly 15 years, spends a lot of time at Greenbaum's apartment and doesn't see any end in sight to his celibacy.

"Doug's just going through a rut right now. He spends a lot of time playing that video game and taking bong hits. That's pretty much all he does. Sometimes I go over there and take a few hits and play with him. He kicks my ass every time. Anyone who's that good at MLB 2004 cant possibly be getting laid"

The only other person in contact with Greenbaum is his mother, Edna. She lives across town and occasionally phones her son to check up on him. She worries about him sometimes, but said his current problems are nothing to be alarmed about.

"He's a good kid," says Edna, from her home in Des Moines. "At least he's not out on the street selling drugs or anything. I know he'll be fine. It's just a tough job market out there right now. At least I don't have to worry about him getting some girl pregnant since he has no chance of getting laid ever. So that's one less thing to worry about."

Sources say that the closest Greenbaum has come to getting laid in the past 6 months was when his ex-girlfriend stopped by for a surprise visit in March. She reportedly was willing to have sex with Doug until she entered his apartment and encountered him lying on the couch in his underwear and was "totally grossed out" by his appearance and odor. She promptly left the premises and has vowed never to return.