Lebron James Buys Cavaliers, Trades Self To Lakers

CLEVELAND--In a move that stunned the basketball world yesterday, teenage phenom and top draft pick Lebron James purchased the Cleveland Cavaliers and promptly traded himself to the Los Angeles Lakers, where he will join Karl malone, Gary Payton, Kobe Bryant, and Shaquille O’Neill on a team destined for the finals.

“I’ve always wanted to own an NBA team,” says James. “I’ve also wanted to play for the Lakers. So I’ve killed two birds with one stone here. Now I can do both”

The move was announced yesterday afternoon at a press conference held jointly by the Lakers and Cavs. According to team officials, James swooped in to purchase the Cavaliers at a price of $200 million and then wasted no time in pulling the trigger on the blockbuster deal.

“Lebron made me an offer I couldn’t refuse,” said Gordon Gund, former owner of the Cavs. “$200 million is three times what I paid for the team. How could I say no?”

The Lakers reported that immediately after purchasing the Cavs, James phoned lakers GM Mitch Kupchak and offered him a deal he couldn’t refuse.

“He offered to trade himself to the Lakers for next to nothing,” said Kupchak. “Well, not exactly nothing. He did ask for a bag of basketballs, but that was it. I discussed it with my staff and decided it was a sound deal.”

There was no immediate report on how many basketballs were in the bag, but James insists the deal was a fair one.

“We’re talking about Spaulding basketballs, very high quality. The best money can buy. Plus, they’re already pumped up. They can use these things at practice, during games, whatever. They certainly have a lot of options there.”

The city of Cleveland has been in frenzy since the trade, demanding to know exactly how and why the future of their basketball franchise has bolted for the West Coast. James was anointed the savior of the Cavs and had Cleveland fans buzzing about the franchise for the first time in years. When he was drafted he seemed totally committed to the team, which is why the move is so puzzling.

“This team really needed Lebron,” said former Cav Brad Daugherty. “The city welcomed him with open arms, and this is how he shows his appreciation? This is ridiculous. Plus, where the hell did he get all the money?”

That question was answered by Nike CEO Phil Knight who pointed out that Nike supplied Lebron with an advance on his $100 million contract, a well as a loan for an additional $100 million.

“Now that he owns the Cavs,” said Phil Knight, “he’ll have a lot of revenue coming in from that. Plus, since he’s with the Lakers now, his marketability will be even better. This is a win-win situation for everyone involved. Except for the Cavaliers. They’re fucked.”

James insisted that his trade to the Lakers does not signify a betrayal of the Cavaliers.

“That’s not true at all,” said James. “I’m totally committed to the Cavaliers. That’s why I bought them. We have a pretty good young team here, and now that I’m gone, we can let some of other rookies compete for my roster spot. Believe me, I’m totally committed to taking this franchise to the next level”

James went on to say that as the new owner of the Cavs, he isn’t finished making bold moves to improve the club.

“I’m not going to sit idly by as owner of the Cavs. In fact, I’m working on deals now to get rid of some of the dead weight on the team and bring on some people who want to compete. For example, we’re looking to move Jason Capono, our second draft pick. We’ll probably move him to the Lakers, too, since we have a good relationship with them. It's time for the Cavs to start rebuilding”