PAU, FRANCE--Ever since divorcing his wife in 2003, cyclist Lance Armstrong has been on a whirlwind romance with rock star Sheryl Crow. The famous couple seems to be everywhere these days, and nobody is happier for them than Armstrong’s two children, who are touched by how in love their dad is.

“I’m so happy for my dad,” said Armstrong's 8-year-old daughter Jennifer. “He’s finally found someone he can spend the rest of his life with. Whenever I see him and Sheryl on TV I get so excited! I say ‘Look! There’s daddy and that woman he likes better than mom.’ And they’re so cute together. It took a little getting used to at first, but now I’m just happy that daddy’s found his soul mate.”

Armstrong’s son, Jared, is equally excited for his dad.

“Yay, dad! He’s so in love right now. It’s awesome!” said Jared, 9. “Every time I turn on the TV I see them together. They look so glamorous! I remember last year when he won the Tour de France and Sheryl got up to the podium with him. Mom used to do that with him, too, but it’s obvious that Sheryl is way better. It’s just nice to know that a person his age can still find true love.”

When the children first heard the news of their dad’s new sweetheart, they were saddened. But after a while they realized that Crow and their dad were meant to be together.

“It was hard at first,” admitted Jennifer. “Just knowing that my parents didn’t want to be together anymore made me really sad. Then when I found out that he was with somebody else I got really upset. I wanted them to break up. But that didn’t last long. I learned that when a grown man finds a person that completes him, everyone needs to step aside and let that love blossom—including the children. I guess I was just being selfish at first.”

This year will be Armstrong’s last at the Tour de France. The 6-time champion plans to retire so he can spend more time with his children and Sheryl Crow. At a press conference, Armstrong praised his children for being supportive of his new relationship.

“My kids, they’ve been terrific. What can I say?” Armstrong asked. “I’m sure it was pretty shocking for them at first to see me on TV snuggling with someone who isn’t their mom. But they dealt with it pretty well. In a way I think it helped them. It helped to drive home the point that their mom and me would never, ever get back together and that our family would never be the same again. Anyway, enough about them. Let’s talk about Sheryl.”

Some experts, however, say that the current situation is unhealthy and could be traumatic for the Armstrong children in years to come.

“This is an unusual situation for those children,” said psychologist Dr. Leonard Hunt. “I mean, one day you’ve got a normal family life and the next day your dad and mom don’t love each other anymore and you’re dad is running around town with some rock star talking about how awesome she is. To add insult to injury, it’s Sheryl Crow, who hasn’t had a decent song in, like, 5 years.”

However, Armstrong insists that his children are happy and well adjusted, despite the unusual situation.

“My kids are fine. They are totally fine,” he said. “What’s the big deal? They’re 8 and 9 years old now, and it’s time for them to start understanding things about life, like the fact that love dies, marriages end, families are broken up, and ‘loyalty’ is just a fantasy. I think they really understand that stuff now and it’s allowed them to embrace my new relationship and lifestyle. Remember, the most important thing here is that I’m happy.”

Even Crow has been impressed with the children's maturity in the face of a difficult situation.

“Lance’s kids have been terrific,” Crow told reporters at the Tour de France. “This is the kind of thing that could really have screwed them up, but that’s a chance Lance was willing to take. I respect him for that, and I respect the kids for not trying to interfere with our storybook romance. If they play their cards right they may even be invited to the wedding.”

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

Lance Armstrong’s Kids Touched By How In Love He Is
July 19th , 2005 - Volume 1 Issue 104