ALBANY, NY--In a ceremony held at the New York Giants training camp facility in Albany, New York, tight end Jeremy Shockey officially passed the asshole torch to rookie tight end Kellen Winslow Jr. The brief ceremony marked the changing of the guard for asshole tight ends out of the University of Miami.

“You are the chosen one now,” said Shockey as he handed the symbolic torch to his colleague. “I hope you’re a worthy candidate for this important position. Go forth and be a complete asshole. I believe in you.”

As Winslow Jr. accepted the title, he vowed to carry the torch with dignity, pride, and respect.

“Being the NFL’s biggest asshole is something I take very seriously,” said Winslow in sneering, arrogant tone of voice. “Since I am the greatest tight end who ever lived, I expect to be the greatest asshole who ever lived also. Jeremy has done a great job thus far, but it’s time for a changing of the guard. Move over, Jeremy. There’s a new sheriff in town.”

Shockey has been the NFL’s resident prick for the past two years. As a rookie draft pick of the Giants in 2002, he made a splash with his brash personality, short temper, and big mouth. His star diminished, however, after he suffered an injury last year, which hampered his abilities and curbed his famous arrogance.

Enter Kellen Winslow Jr., another University of Miami product, who possesses may of the same qualities as Shockey and is poised to be the next big asshole in the NFL.

Winslow has already impressed some with his ability to be a complete dickhead. Last year, after a game with the Miami Hurricanes, he went on a boorish and arrogant rant, in which he referred to himself in the third person several times and compared playing college football with being a soldier at war. The long diatribe, as embarrassing as it was, cemented his reputation as an asshole to be reckoned with.

“That speech right there totally blew my mind,” said Shockey. “I was like ‘What a total dipshit asshole that guy is.’ He reminded me of myself when I was his age, before I was humbled by the brutal grind of life in the NFL. In a couple of years, his spirits will be broken, too, and he’ll pass the torch onto some other rookie. Anyone wanna bet that he’s from Miami?”

Adding to his asshole resume, Winslow hired the Poston brothers to represent him. Not surprisingly, they have rejected the Browns initial offer, an offer that would’ve made Winslow one of the highest paid tight ends in history. Winslow is now poised to sit out training camp until his demands are met.

When Shockey got wind of the impending holdout, he knew his days as the NFL’s premier asshole had come to a close.

“Wow, that’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard,” said Shockey. “Imagine a rookie turning down a contract that would’ve paid him more money than Tony Gonzalez, the highest paid tight end in the league. That’s crazy, it’s stupid, it’s arrogant, and it’s beautiful. This guy’s amazing. I just hope he’s tough, though, because he’s going to get the shit kicked out of him on the field.”

Winslow scoffed at the notion that he would be pushed around on the playing field. He pointed out that he is a “tough motherfucker” and that anyone who gets in his way better “back the fuck off.”

“Nobody’s gonna be pushing me around when I get out there. Nobody,” said Winslow. “It’s war out there, motherfucker, and I ain't playing around. Anyone want a piece of me they can come and get it, because I’m ready for battle motherfucker. You don’t become this much of an asshole by being a pussy.”

Some of the league’s defensemen have expressed a deep desire to injure Winslow on the gridiron. Enforcers like Ray Lewis, Brian Urlacher, and Michael Strahan all vowed to pummel the young tight end until he suffers a career-ending injury, or dies outright.

“Well well well. If it isn’t Mr. Kellen Winslow Jr.,” said Ray Lewis, hard-hitting Baltimore linebacker. “First of all, don’t be crowning yourself asshole of the league without checking with me first. Nobody’s a bigger dickhead than me. Nobody. Secondly, you want a war? This ain't the NCAA, motherfucker. It’s the NFL. I’m not even gonna wait for you to get the damn ball. Hell, I’m not even gonna wait for you to take the field. The minute I lay eyes on you, motherfucker, I’m gonna slam your head against my knee, slap your around, and make you my bitch. Remember, I’m from Miami, too.”

Jeremy Shockey Passes Asshole Torch To Kellen Winslow Jr.
August 12th, 2003 - Volume 1 Issue 11