SACRAMENTO--Jackie Christie, wife of NBA star Doug Christie, refused to let a female doctor save her husband’s life Saturday when he nearly choked to death during a dinner at the Pilothouse Restaurant in Sacramento. Christie frantically screamed for a doctor after her husband began gagging on a chicken bone, but when Clarissa Jordan, a 41-year-old female doctor, rushed to his aid, Christie grew agitated. She reportedly told Jordan to “back off” even as Doug’s face turned purple and his breath came out in short, labored gasps.
Bystanders watched in horror as Jackie Christie calmly waited for a male patron to save her husband’s life. Luckily, Sanjay Mehta, a local medical student who was sitting at the bar in an adjacent room, was able to apply the Heimlich maneuver just in time to avert a tragedy. The chicken bone came up, and Jackie defended her decision not to let a female doctor save her husband.
“Miss Clarissa Jordan, or whatever her name is, came running over like a poodle in heat,” said Christie. “I could tell she was lusting after my husband, which is why I wouldn’t let her near him. Believe me, I’m no fool. Plus, my husband would never want a female doctor saving his life. He’d feel too guilty having another woman lay her hands on him. He’d rather die. I’m sure of it.”
Bystanders reported that Christie was not satisfied to simply wave Jordan away. Instead, she began beating the woman with her purse until the horrified doctor fled in terror. Christie said those claims were exaggerated, but did admit to “getting physical with her.”
“I wouldn’t say I beat her that hard. I just was trying to deter her from her ultimate goal of having sex with my dying husband,” said Christie. “Yes, I hit her a couple time with my purse, but I had to. The woman was relentless! She kept saying ‘He’s going to die! He’s going to die!’ And I was like ‘Whatever, bitch. Keep your hands to yourself.’”
After Jordan fled the scene, another female attempted to call 9-1-1, but she, too, was thwarted by Jackie Christie. The women, 29-year-old waitress Cheryl Malcolm, insisted that she was just trying to help.
“After that woman [Jordan] got beat up, I realized Doug was still choking,” she said. “So I ran over, grabbed my cell phone and started dialing 9-1-1. Then [Christie] slapped the phone out of my hand and told me to mind my business and stop looking at her husband like that. I had no idea what she was talking about. I would never look at that guy in a sexual way. Gross.”
Dr. Mehta was summoned into the room by a frantic patron who witnessed the choking. After he administered the Heimlich to Christie, he noted that if another moment had passed, Doug would’ve surely perished.
“I am extremely surprised that this man’s wife did now allow Miss Jordan to save his life,” said Mehta. “If another minute had gone by, he would surely be dead. In my country, this mad woman would have her hands cut off and her vagina sewn shut.”
After being revived, Doug hugged his wife and breathed a sigh of relief. He thanked Dr. Mehta for saving his life, and recalled the final moments before he was rescued.
“Whew, that was a close call,” said Christie, wiping the sweat off his brow. “I actually saw scenes from my life flashing by. The funny thing was that my wife was in all of the scenes, even the ones from my childhood before I met her. She was just there in the background with her arms folded, shaking her head disapprovingly.”
After thanking Dr. Mehta, Christie also offered some words of gratitude to his wife.
“Although I am glad to be alive, I’m equally glad that my wife spared me the indignity of having another woman give me the Heimlich,” he continued. “That would’ve been catastrophic. Even if I had lived, what kind of life what that have been, knowing that I looked at, and briefly touched, another woman? I guess it would be kind of a normal life, actually. Anyway, that’s the last time I ever eat chicken.”
In order to avoid future incidents like the one that took place at the Pilothouse, the Christies have decided never to eat in a public place again.
Copyright 2003, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is SATIRE and is not intended as actual news.