SEATTLE--Mark Swinton, 32, a hiker, was lost in the woods of upstate Washington when he took a fall and ended up with his left arm trapped under a boulder. He waited for someone to discover him for around ten minutes, then lost patience and sawed it off.

“When I fell down the side of the mountain, I tried to grab on to a big boulder on the way. Unfortunately, the boulder came loose and ended up pinning my arm down. So I was stuck on the side of the mountain with this huge rock on top of me. I didn’t know what to do.”

Swinton says that he was holding out hope that a fellow hiker would stumble upon him and rescue him, but hope faded after a few minutes, and he knew what he had to do.

“I know ten minutes doesn’t seem like a long time, but it goes by pretty slow if you’re just sitting there,” said Swinton. “Besides, I had an appointment in the morning with a client, and I knew it would take hours for me to saw it off completely. So I figured I’d get started right away.”

Swinton then reached for his Swiss army knife, but was distressed to find that it had fallen out of his pocket when he slid down the mountain. For a moment he thought he may have no other option but to wait for a rescuer, but the resourceful and extremely impatient Swinton came up with a better idea.

“The first thing I thought of was gnawing it off with my teeth, but even I have limits,” said Swinton. “Then I just pulled the only thing out of my pocket that I could find: my keys. I have this one real big key for my storage shed, and I figured I could use that one.”

For the next 6 grueling hours, Swinton systematically sawed his right arm off.

“Man, that was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It took forever just to break the skin. Then I had to get through the bone and muscle and all that crap. Then it took me a while to finish it off. That was the worst 6 hours of my life. A lot of people think I should’ve waited. But as a real estate agent, I’ve got to be on time for all my appointments. I was scheduled to show the McGarnigle property to some ‘highly motivated buyers’. I wasn’t about to let that opportunity slip away.”

Perhaps Swinton should have waited after all, because he was discovered just moments after he sawed his arm off by hiker Paul Fahren. Says Fahren:

“I was just climbing up the hill with my backpack, and I came upon Mark here. He had something bloody in his hand and I realized it was his arm. I almost threw up. I asked if he needed any help and he just laughed and said ‘If only you were here earlier.’ He was nice, but he really seemed in a hurry.”

“Boy was I kicking myself for not waiting a little longer to saw my arm off with my key,” added Swinton. “But I’m not the kinda guy who’s gonna have the patience to just sit there all day admiring the scenery. I’ve got another arm, I’ll be fine.”

Swinton also points out that there were other factors involved in his decision to hack off his arm. He recalls hearing several stories about people lost in the mountains who made the ultimate sacrifice and removed one of their own limbs in order to ensure survival. Those stories always held an appeal for Swinton.

“I admit I’ve always wanted to be one of those people who overcame the odds and did something amazing like cannibalize my friend or chop off my arm or leg,” says Swinton. “I know it sounds silly, but you get all kinds of attention, you get to go on talk shows, and you probably get tons of pussy for it. Maybe you’ll even write a book. That’s why when I got trapped under that rock I thought ‘Well, my ship’s come in’. I would’ve preferred cannibalism, but maybe next time.”

Luckily Swinton got his wish. He was invited on Oprah to talk about his experience and thrill the audience with his inspirational tale of courage. As he recounted his story, Oprah recoiled in horror.

“You mean to tell me you were only stuck ten minutes?” asked an exasperated Winfrey. “That’s not a heroic story of human endurance. That’s just fucked. Then again, your not the first person who’d give their left arm to come on my wonderful show.”

Even after the dreadful experience of having to cut his own arm off, Swinton says he has no plans to stop hiking and mountain climbing. An avid outdoorsman, Swinton says he can’t wait to hit the trails again.

“The whole experience won’t change me a bit,” said Swinton. “I’m going back out next weekend, in fact, on a real long hike. Should be very dangerous. I just hope I don’t get my arm trapped again. I don’t think it would work out quite as well this time since I don’t have an arm to chop it off with. Oh well, if worse comes to worse, I’ll have to eat myself.”