Every White Person In America Secretly Rooting For Gonzaga

SPOKANE, WA--According to a recent survey, every white person in America is secretly rooting for the Gonzaga Bulldogs, a predominantly white NCAA basketball team. In the past few years, the Bulldogs have overcome tremendous odds to become a nationally ranked team. Their surprising success has earned them a devoted following of every white person in America.

“There are a lot of closet Gonzaga fans out there,” said Gonzaga coach Mark Few, who has been with the team seven years. “Many of them care very little about NCAA basketball but they still have a soft spot in their heart for the Bulldogs. It may seem racist, but I think it's just human nature. We tend to root for the people we can relate to, and white people seem to have an easy time relating to shaggy-haired hippy kids from the northwest.”

In 1999, Gonzaga rose to national prominence when it came out of nowhere to make the “Elite Eight” in the NCAA basketball tournament. It was during that season the many whites got their first glimpse of the Bulldogs.

“I remember watching Sportscenter and seeing this team full of white guys with this crazy name, Gonzaga, and they were beating the crap out of the rest of the teams,” said Boston resident Dan Phelps, a Gonzaga fan. “Even though I knew nothing about college hoops I was intrigued. They were like a whole team of Larry Birds. It actually inspired me to go play basketball. I went down to the park and joined a pick-up game, but I got run right off the court. I guess being white doesn't necessarily mean you can play basketball.”

A Bulldog fan from Florida says that she fell in love with the team after watching little Dan Dickau play the point.

“I really love that Dan Dickau kid,” said 27-year-old Liz, from Tampa. “The first time I saw him running around I thought ‘sure, this kid’s got a chance.’ Then he proceeded to score, like, 36 points. I've been cheering for the team ever since. They have the support of every one of their white brothers and sisters across America. Oh, God that sounded wrong. What I meant was that white people support them way more than those asshole black players. There, that’s better. I didn't want to come across as racist. ”

One of the NBA’s all-time greats, John Stockton, played for the Gonzaga Bulldogs. His decorated career put the school on the map and also encouraged other whites to follow in his footsteps. Stockton can speak first hand about the unique appeal of the ‘Zags.

“Gonzaga has always been kind of a Cinderella team, an underdog,” said Stockton. “I think that’s why people can relate to us so well. And let’s face it, the fact that we’re a bunch of white dudes doesn’t hurt. I know a lot of white people out there who are secretly praying for Gonzaga to win a championship. It would just be kind of cool for a change, you know? Like a black hockey team winning the Stanley Cup or an English-speaking team winning the World Series.”

The ‘Zags best player this year is junior Adam Morrison, who was just named West Coast Conference Player of the Week. Morrison says people often mistake him for a European.

“Usually when people see me play they say ‘Ok, which eastern European country are you from?’” said Morrison. “I’m not. I’m not from Germany. I’m not from Croatia. And I’m not from Turkey either, though frankly I think they’re making that one up because nobody would ever name a country something that stupid.”

Morrison did acknowledge that every white person in the country is a Gonzaga fan on some level.

“Obviously we have a lot of fans out there,” he said. “I know they’re pretty excited about us right now. I guess it’s just hard to believe that a bunch of white kids can be so good. I can’t explain it myself. Maybe it’s the fact that we’re such great team players. Maybe it’s the fact that we have a great coach in Mark Few. Or maybe, just maybe, it’s because we do actually have a couple black kids on the team.”