God Loses Showdown With Bill Belichick

HEAVEN--God, creator of the universe and master of all things living and dead, lost a showdown with Bill Belichick on Sunday, as the Philadelphia Eagles fell to the New England Patriots 24-21. God was working through receiver Terrell Owens, who asked him for a miracle to boost his team over the powerful Patriots. Though God was able to heal Owens’ ankle, his glorious power and omnipotence were no match for Belichick’s tricky 2-5-4 defense.

“Wow, I did my best, but Belichick is pretty good,” said a visibly flustered God after the game. “I always thought I was the best. I’ve battled Satan a number of times and that really gave me a lot of experience overcoming adversity. Coach Belichick was just able to execute better today. Plus, I’m used to resting on Sunday.”

God did take credit for healing Owens’ ankle, though, proving that prayer really does pay off.

“Terrell spent all week promising that I would deliver a miracle,” said God. “He actually put me in a very awkward position. If I didn’t come through for him I would’ve looked pretty bad. So I fixed it for him. It’s not like it was all that hard. It was just a simple ankle injury. I’ve witnessed a lot worse. Have you seen The Passion of the Christ? Now that’s playing in pain.”

After the game, Owens was at a loss to explain why the Lord God could not propel his team to victory. In the end he was forced to give credit to the Patriots, who smothered the Eagles with a dizzying array of defensive formations and some clutch plays on offense.

“It’s always tough to lose when you have God on your side,” Owens said after the game. “You generally expect to win games like that. But you’ve got to tip your cap to the Patriots and their coaching staff. They had a good game plan and they executed it. I guess the silver lining is that I played and was effective and proved myself a real warrior. That’s a victory in and of itself. I’m such a hero.”

Owens refused to place all of the blame on God’s shoulders. He admitted that some questionable coaching decisions and bad throws by Donovan McNabb also played a part.

“God is a pretty powerful guy, but you can’t go out and turn the ball over like we did and expect to win, no matter what deity you have on your side,” Owens said. “All I know is that I did my job. Donovan messed up. Freddie Mitchell was a no-show. Andy Reid did call a brilliant clock-killing drive at the end of the game, but that only helps when you’re ahead.”

God reiterated Owens’statements. While taking his share of blame for the loss, he also questioned some of the moves by Reid and McNabb.

“I’m not making any excuses for this loss, but the Eagles could have done a little more to make it easier on me,” said God. “As the Bible says, I help those who help themselves. Andy Reid is a great coach, but what the hell was he thinking late in the game? Talk about a brain fart. And McNabb tossed a couple balls right into coverage. What was I supposed to do, strike the defender down with lightning? Next year I’m definitely siding with the Patriots. I’m God. I should at least be on the winning team.”

Belichick, as usual, downplayed his coaching genius and deflected praise to his assistants and players. He refused to criticize God, instead lauding him for the work he did on Owens’ ankle.

“That’s a great deity right there,” Belichick said after the game. “I mean, he created the heavens and earth, all the oceans, the pretty New England foliage, you can’t say enough about that guy. And how about the job he did on Terrell’s injury? The doctors said it would be impossible for him to play, but he was out there making an impact. They just showed a lot of character out there and I tip my cap to them. Still, it’s a great feeling to beat God. I guess this proves what my wife has been saying about me all these years: I’m the Anti-Christ.”

Now that the game is over, the Eagles aren't hanging their heads. Owens, for one, still believes God is on his side and promises a return to the Super Bowl in 2006.

“Oh, we’ll be back next year, and next year we’ll win,” he said. “I still have faith in God and believe that he wants T.O. to be at the center of attention so I can bring glory and honor to him. I’m sure he’s awful embarrassed about the way things went this year. Now he’s going to be dogged with questions about whether or not he can win the big game. It’s going to get harder and harder to get that monkey off his back every year, so he’s going to have to strike while the window of opportunity is still open. If not, I’m turning to Satan. He seems to have more of a killer instinct.”