Fantasy Football Analyst Actually Getting Paid to Analyze Fantasy Football

BRISTOL, CT--Brandon Funston, a fantasy football analyst for ESPN, is actually getting paid to analyze fantasy football. He has been employed by ESPN the last few years and is using his so called “expertise” to advise fantasy football owners on which players to draft, which players to start, and which to trade. Funston, who started off as an intern, says he got a lucky break when the popularity of fantasy football rose to unprecedented levels.

“Well I was an intern for a while, a communications major,” said Funston. “I was a sports nut of course and really liked to study statistics and keep track of them. Then they gave me a full time job running the ESPN fantasy football leagues. I didn't think it could get any better than that, but after a while the whole thing just got so popular, they made me an 'analyst.' So I basically stumbled ass backwards into this job.”

Even though he has stumbled ‘ass backward’ into the job, Funston has become a mainstay on Sportscenter and ESPN news. With fantasy football leagues springing up all around the country, Funston is enjoying an absurd six figure salary to simply talk about fantasy football.

“Here, let me describe to you my job,” says Funston. “Some kid from buttfuck, Iowa emails me and asks which quarterback he should start. I say something like ‘Well you should start Steve McNair today, cause Eddie George is banged up and the Titans will be going to the air a lot.’ And then I go home and roll around in hundred dollar bills.”

ESPN defends its hiring of Funston. They believe that with the growing popularity of fantasy football, analysts like Brandon Funston are important to keep the viewing public informed of the latest developments

“If it wasn’t for Brandon, the sports fans of America wouldn’t know who to start,” says Mel Polley, ESPN spokesperson. “Sure, anyone with a brain in their head could just listen to regular football analysis and draw conclusions from that, but we here at ESPN believe that if we employ an official fantasy football analyst, that it will give the sport a legitimacy it sorely needs in order for us to make tons of money off it.”

Despite ESPN’s convincing argument that Funston's job is legitimate, others in his field are questioning why he even has a job.

“Paying a guy to talk about fantasy football is ludicrous,” says actual football analyst Howie Long. “Leave it to ESPN to do something like that. Yea, people criticized Fox for hiring a hot babe to do weather reports on a football pre-game show, but at least she had a nice body. This guy brings nothing to the table. Plus, its fantasy football. Fantasy. Its not even real. Its like paying the goddamn tooth fairy.”

Funston argues, however, that fantasy football is just as real as actual football.

“Sure, fantasy football is a fantasy, but so is real football. So is all of sports. Basically, ESPN has created a multi billion dollar juggernaut revolving around a bunch of stupid games. Its totally meaningless if you think about it. That’s why its best not to think about. If you do, the whole facade comes crashing down. Kind of scary actually.”

So what does the future have in store for Funston? ESPN has reportedly signed him to a long term deal and is planning more exposure for the fantasy football expert. In fact, plans are on the table to create an hour long fantasy football program to be aired on Sunday mornings as part of the NFL pre-game show. Beyond that, an all fantasy football channel is being considered.

“We’ve got lots planned in the fantasy football department, “ said Carol Weathers, program director for ESPN. “It’s a very lucrative market and we feel we’re just skimmed the surface in terms of how much money we can rake in. I know it’s amazing that we're paying so much for providing pointless, meaningless filler. But it’s no worse than Around the Horn or Playmakers. I guess it just helps to live in a sports obsessed nation that devours every bloody scrap of trivia we throw at them. God bless America.”