SAN DIEGO--Doug Flutie has long been known as one of the most elusive quarterbacks in the game. His speed and instincts have helped him through some tough jams, but none so tough as the one he’s in right now: stuck on a last place team as a back up to rookie Drew Brees. But on Sunday, the 40-year-old Flutie decided he’d had enough. That’s when the wily veteran used his unique scrambling ability to get the hell out of San Diego.
“He was here just a minute ago,” said Chargers Coach Marty Schotenheimer. “What the…? He didn’t escape did he? That little guy sure is elusive.”
According to team sources, Flutie was on the sideline for Sunday’s game between the Chargers and the Packers. He stayed for the entire game but somewhere between the tunnel and the locker room, he disappeared.
“Boy, that guy is crafty,” said GM A.J. Smith. “That’s one of the things that makes him great. One minute he’s here, next minute he’s not. I do hope he comes back, though. He is our backup quarterback.”
At press time, however, Flutie was still missing.
“He wasn’t happy here,” said Smith. “But I never thought he would get away like this. That’s why we had him under surveillance. But I guess he found his way around it. Only a wily, venerable old veteran like him could use his instincts so well. That guy has such great escapability.”
Teammates were not surprised at Flutie’s baffling escape. Flutie has not been happy with the Chargers, and he mentioned leaving the team many times in the past.
“Doug’s gone? Oh, I see,” said starting QB Drew Brees. “Doesn’t surprise me, really. He always talked about it, and he certainly has the tools to get it done. I just wish I could move like him so I wouldn’t have to hang around on this sinking ship. Now I know how the deck band on the Titanic felt.”
Though nobody is quite sure how he escaped or where he went, one witness did claim to see Flutie in the locker room directly after the game. The witness, security guard Len Burroughs, caught a glimpse of the QB as he was making his escape.
“I was just waiting in front of the locker room for the game to be over,” said Burroughs. “Just before the game clock hit zero, Dougie came hauling ass down the tunnel towards the locker room. Since he was running so fast, I got a little suspicious, so I stepped in front of the door and put my hand up. I said ‘What’s your hurry, Flutie?’ He ignored me, lowered his head and ran right through my legs into the locker room. I fell over and four or five other guards rushed over to help me, but I told them to chase after Flutie instead. They did, but he was gone. Just like that. Man, they don’t make em like that anymore.”
The Chargers security guards were baffled by the disappearance.
“There was like, two minutes between the moment he went under Len’s legs to the moment we entered the locker room. In that span of time, he cleared out his locker, left no trace, and disappeared. Amazing isn’t it? Goddamn locker was totally empty. He’s like a magician. I guess it’s time for us to start looking for new jobs.”
According to police transcripts, at least two people reported seeing Flutie speed out of the Qualcomm Stadium parking lot in his convertible Corvette. Both witnesses said he looked “extremely happy”
“My brother has been to jail,” said one of the witnesses. “When he got parole, he had this look on his face that I will never forget. It was the look of emancipation. I’ve only seen the look once before Sunday, when I saw it on Doug Flutie’s face. He must’ve really hated it here.”
The other witness said Flutie even honked and waved at spectators.
“He was like ‘WOOOHOOOO! I’m outta here!! Goodbye San Diego, hello anywhere else!!’ And that was it. He just rode off into the sunset.”
Calls to Flutie’s home and family have gone unanswered. When police went to his house to look for him, there was nobody home and the house had been emptied. Flutie had used his unique escapability to vanish without a trace.
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