Mike Ditka Won’t Shut Up About New Erection

CHICAGO, IL - After 15 years of trying everything from psychotherapy to smoked oysters, Mike Ditka finally has an erection. The venerable old football player achieved his elusive dream with the assistance of Levitra, a Viagra-like prescription drug that alleviates sexual difficulties in men. The newly erect Ditka has signed an endorsement deal with Bayer AG, which produces Levitra, and is traveling the nation preaching its virtues to anyone who will listen.

“If you ever need help getting back in the game, you should try Levitra,” said Ditka to his brother-in-law, Phil, at his son’s birthday party. “Lots of men have erectile problems. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. When I tried Levitra, it changed my life. Now my sex life with [wife] Helen is as healthy as ever.”

According to friends and family, Ditka is incredibly open and honest about his erectile dysfunction problem. Though his condition was once a source of embarrassment, Ditka now proudly discusses the fact the he was flaccid since 1989 before discovering Levitra.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m thrilled that Mike can get it up now,” said Phil. “I’m real happy for him. But to be honest, I kind of miss the old Mike who was ashamed to talk about it. Nobody ever knew he had a problem, and we didn’t need to know. Now the whole damn country is hearing about it over and over again.”

Ditka’s Levitra spots air repeatedly during football broadcasts, in order to reach the target male demographic that the drug is made for. In the spots, he uses thinly veiled football analogies to communicate the power of Levitra. In fact, he does the same thing off camera.

“Mike is so sincere. He’s not acting at all,” said his longtime friend Carl Roney. “Even when he’s off camera he says stuff like ‘Hey, pal, if you ever need help making that big push at the line of scrimmage, you should try Levitra. Sometimes, when the clock is winding down, you just need a little edge to come through in the clutch.’ I’m like ‘Yea, Mike. You told me that already about a hundred times.’ There was a time when men didn’t go on television talking about their boner problems. That time is gone. Please, someone build me a time machine.”

A spokesman for Levitra says that erectile dysfunction is a serious health condition and is not a reflection of a person’s manhood or masculinity.

“Erectile Dysfunction, or ED, is something that effects over three million men in the U.S. alone,” said David Sedaris, vice-president of Bayer AG. “We need to dispel the myth that men who can’t get aroused are somehow inferior, and start looking at ED as a disease. As long as people see it as a disease, we can make a boatload of money selling a cure for it. Wait till you see our next pill, which cures the horrible disease of not being able to pee in public, or NBAPP.”

Ditka’s new erection has been a mixed blessing for his marriage. His wife, Helen, is happy for her husband, but says there are a few drawbacks now that he’s “cured.”

“I’m glad he feels better about himself,” said the 68-year-old Helen. “I understand how difficult it is for a man to accept that he has that kind of problem. After all, he was soft as a beef bean burrito until he found this little pill. But there are drawbacks. First, he talks about it all the time. I’m all for being refreshingly open about your personal life, but nobody wants to here about his stupid hard-on.”

“These Levitra people have him convinced that it’s a disease, and there’s no shame in talking about it. But I disagree,” she added. “The other problem? I’m a 68-year-old woman and don’t want my husband mugging me every five minutes because he can finally spring a woody. Jesus, where was this stuff 15 years ago?”

Ditka says he hopes his new hot, throbbing erection will be an inspiration to other men who suffer from the same affliction. As a former athlete, he knows firsthand the shame that accompanies impotency. His goal is to eliminate the attitude of humiliation and embarrassment and get the problem out into the open.

“Sometimes a guy just need a little help moving the ball and penetrating the end zone,” said Ditka. “I know from experience that a lot of guys are embarrassed to talk about ED because they think it makes them a limp-dicked half-man. Well, it does make then limp-dicked. But they’re still real men. They just have to take some of this Levitra, and then go tell everyone on earth their innermost sexual secrets, like I do.”

While Ditka’s assessment is accurate, some footballers don’t condone his attempts to “get it out into the open.”

“I wish Mike Ditka would shut the fuck up about his penis,” said one AFC player. “I’m sitting there watching TV, eating dinner, and then I get this visual of Mike Ditka’s big fat boner. Great. I needed to know that. I don’t care if he wants to take some pill to help him get it up, but there are some things that need to be kept private, man. I mean, would you like to know about my sexual problems? Sometimes I finish too early and end up jizzing all over my wife’s stomach. Maybe I’ll get on TV and tell you about it while you’re eating dinner. Hey, it’s a legitimate problem, so let’s get it out into the open. I’m sure America would be delighted to here about it.”

Though many of Ditka’s friends are annoyed by his sudden frankness, none are more disturbed than his own children. His daughter, Amy, claims to be mortified by her father’s admission and frequent television spots.

“Oh, God help me. You do not know shame, embarrassment, and nausea until your father starts telling you about his penis,” said the 29-year-old Amy. “He tells me how he’s ‘back in the game’ now, and that he’s off the ‘injured reserve list.’ Great. Great, dad. You’re fucking mom a lot better now. That’s just what I needed to hear.”

“And its not just me,” she added. “It’s my friends, too. Do you know how much shit I’ve gotten because of these commercials? My boyfriend Tom actually went up to my father the first time he met him and said ‘How’s your penis, Mike?’ And you know what? Dad didn’t even get upset. He said ‘I’m glad you asked’ and started going into his spiel again. That’s it. Hand me a razor blade.”

The affable tight end blamed his family and friends’ distress on ignorance and a lack of understanding about the crucial issues of men’s health.

“I’m sorry if they’re offended, but they’re just going to have to deal with it. I’m kind of a modern guy, so it doesn’t bother me to talk about this stuff. There are just so many preconceived notions that are ingrained in our minds from childhood that need to be reversed. The people of Levitra have convinced me that my health condition is no laughing matter and is nothing to be ashamed about. To everyone who disagrees with me, I have one thing to say: Hey, America! I have a boner, and I’m not ashamed of it! Wooohoooo!”