Arizona Cardinals Accidentally Left Off 2004 Schedule

PHOENIX-In an embarrassing slip up by the NFL scheduling committee, the Arizona Cardinals have been excluded from the 2004 schedule. Apparently, the committee overlooked the beleaguered franchise as it created the matches for the upcoming season. League officials are at a loss to explain the error.

“Geez, I don’t know what the heck happened,” said Dan Rooney, Pittsburgh Steelers owner and member of the scheduling committee. “Its just one of those things. Oh well, no Cardinals this season I guess.”

League officials don’t expect the lack of the Arizona Cardinals to have much of an impact on this year’s season. A recent study shows that close to 53 percent of football fans were not even aware that the Arizona Cardinals existed. So the gaffe isn’t going to have a serious effect on the season, officials say. But don’t tell that to the Cardinals.

“What? We can’t play this year? Oh damn it,” said Cardinals coach Dave McGinnis. “I was so looking forward to this year, too. My players are going to be pissed, and so are the 47 percent of Americans who realized that Arizona actually had a football team.”

Paul Tagliabue, league commissioner, sent a letter of apology to the Cardinals organization and promised that they would fit the team into next year’s schedule. But how it happened is still a mystery. The scheduling committee is an experienced group of NFL owners and executives who have an exemplary record of including every team in the league every season.

Dan Rooney offers his explanation: “You know how sometimes you get this nagging feeling like your forgetting something, but you can quite put your finger on it? Well, that’s how I felt while we were making out the schedule. I don’t know. I thought maybe I left the oven on at home. Turns out we forgot to include the Arizona Cardinals. Oh well. Guess I’m getting a little old.”

Coming into the season, the Cardinals weren’t exactly the talk of the league. While the Cincinnati Bengals are widely regarded as the NFL’s laughing stock, the Cardinals really have no identity at all. They’re not terrible enough to be a joke, and they’re certainly not good enough to be worth a mention. Other than the Emmit Smith signing, which figures to have little impact on the team, there really is nothing to talk about with this year's Cardinals.

“I think that’s part of the reason we forgot,” says Rooney. “A lot of people think the Bengals are the most pathetic team in the league right now, and they are. But at least they’re noteworthy. The Cardinals…I don’t know, you just kind of forget about them.”

According to sources, the Cardinals were initially considering a lawsuit against the league for its “inexcusable blunder”. But after combing the yellow pages for an affordable lawyer, the Cards decided to give up.

“We were going to hire a lawyer to file a suit,” says owner Bill Bidwell. “But the cheapest one was like 500 bucks! I thought it was a misprint but no, it’s the real figure. So I just said ‘Fuck it, we’ll wait till next year.’”

Says running back Marcell Shipp: “We’ve been saying ‘Wait till next year’ for years now, but usually it just means we’ll get better next year. But at least we get to play. This time, when we say ‘Wait till next year’, we mean it literally. We’re going home for the season.”

For its part, the league is planning to offer a concession to the team and its ownership. According to commissioner Tagliabue, each player and coach on the roster will receive a pair of complimentary tickets to this year’s Superbowl, as well as a copy of EA Sports' Madden 2004, and a durable, elegant, officially licensed NFL tote bag.

“Well, I guess that’s an OK deal,” says Bidwell. “I mean, we do get to go to the Superbowl, even though they’re the nosebleed seats, and the tote bag really is nice. I can carry a lot of stuff in it. And it’s an officially licensed NFL product. Where else can you get something like that?”

So the 2004 season will go on without the Arizona Cardinals. But the league assures us the team will return next year, and the Cardinals vow to spend the entire season working on fundamentals so they’ll be ready to return for 2005.