Born Again Christian Creeping Out Teammates

MILWAUKEE, WI-- Carl Solomon, third basemen for the Milwaukee Brewers, has been creeping out his teammates lately as a result of his sudden conversion to Christianity. The conversion took place over the weekend under mysterious circumstances and resulted in a brand new Carl, who eschews drinking, smoking weed, and screwing groupies in favor of going to bible study and judging people.
       According to teammates, Solomon's conversion has completely changed the dynamic in the clubhouse, with everyone walking on eggshells to avoid offending their newly pious teammate. In addition some of his comments, in lieu of his own past behavior, have been described as "creepy".
       Says teammate Phil Mcmahon: "He just walked in one morning and started passing out these religious pamphlets that said "The Road to Redemption Through Christ" on the front. Inside there was a bunch of stuff about the evils of alcohol and drugs and womanizing. It's hard to keep a straight face when he says that stuff. This is a guy who had a three foot bong named Bubba that he used to bust out after victories. This is a guy who had a girlfriend in every city. This is a guy who actually bet on the Little League World Series. I mean, what the hell happened?
       It's simple, according to Solomon. He claims he was saved from a life of philandering when he attended a bible study meeting with his brother-in-law over the weekend.
       "I didn't really want to go at first, but he talked me into it. Now I realize it was all just part of God's plan. See, I was lost and empty inside and trying to compensate for that emptiness by sinning and carousing. Now that I've found Jesus, I have a path to follow. I'm born again"
       To which Mcmahon quickly added: "See? That's the kind of shit I'm talking about."
       Even the most spiritual and religious of his teammates are a bit taken aback by Solomon's sudden change of heart. Kurt Hovan, first basemen, says he was heartened when he first heard about Solomon's conversion.
       "I thought it was great," said Hovan. "I consider myself a very spiritual person, too. I go to church every Sunday and was raised a Roman Catholic. So when Carl told me he found Jesus I congratulated him. I even went to a bible study meeting with him. Man, what a mistake that was."
       According to Hovan, the bible was study was full of "unmarried, middle aged nerds" who spent most of the four hours condemning a number of "sinful" activities, including a number of things that Hovan's partakes in on a regular basis..
"One lady went on a tirade about the evils of binge drinking, and the Carl pipes in about how he used to go to a place called Perfect 10's and how evil and corrupt it was. And I'm thinking , hey I was just there last week. I've never felt so uncomfortable in my life."
       Now that Solomon has found the Lord, his teammates are struggling to decide how to deal with their former friend. Some feel they should still try to include them in their conversations and activities, while others feel that they should avoid him altogether. Most agree that change in Solomon seriously alters the atmosphere in the locker room.
      "It's just weird," said Hovan. "I don't know. Maybe he'll come around eventually. Is it possible to lose Jesus once you've found him? Is this thing reversible? If not, it's gonna be a long summer".