Army Resorts To Unmanned Predator Drone In Effort To Defeat Navy

PHILADELPHIA--In an unprecedented show of force on the gridiron, the Army football team used an unmanned Predator drone in an attempt to defeat the Navy Midshipmen. The Black Knights, a huge underdog against their rivals, reportedly employed the drone out of sheer desperation.

“We in the Army like to use every weapon in our arsenal to defeat our enemies,” said Coach John Mumford. “This means on the battlefield or on the football field. One of our advantages is superior technology, and we don’t see anything wrong with using it during the Army/Navy game.”

According to witnesses, the drone made its first appearance in the second quarter of the game with around five minutes left. Navy was controlling the tempo and winning the battle at the line of scrimmage. Army, desperate for a defensive stop, launched the remote controlled aircraft just as the ball was snapped. As Navy QB Craig Candeto launched a bomb to a wide open Mike Brammer in the end zone, the unmanned Predator drone put the ball in its cross hairs and fired a rocket, blowing it to pieces.

“Now that was a good shot,” said Coach Mumford. “That’s what I call marksmanship. It makes me sleep better at night knowing that men like those are protecting our nation with their remote controlled aircraft. It’s also a useful tool on the gridiron. Once again, the Army shows its superiority to the Navy in the areas of technology, marksmanship, and strategy.”

But the Midshipmen have a different perspective. They feel that the Knights broke the rules by deploying a battle weapon for use on the field of play.

“Are they nuts? You can’t use a military aircraft in a football game,” said Navy Coach Paul Johnson. “How desperate can you get? They needed a goddamn rocket-firing airplane to make a defensive stop? I guess it’s better than last year, when they threw grenades into our locker room.”

Members of the crowd were stunned when the small aircraft buzzed overhead and interfered with the game. Even the Army fans had to question their team’s strange strategy.

“When we heard the buzzing, everyone just looked around, wondering what it was,” said Laura Delaney, who’s son Tom is on the Army football squad. “Then we spotted that plane. We thought it was a toy until it fired a rocket at Candeto’s pass. I’m sorry, but that was a little much. Great shot, but I’m pretty sure it’s illegal to use a Predator drone in a situation like that. At the very least the referee should’ve thrown a flag.”

Mumford insists that his team did not violate any rules in using the aircraft.

“Nowhere in the rule book does it say that an unmanned Predator drone cannot be used during a game. Here’s the rule book. Here, take it. I challenge you to find a rule prohibiting it. It’s simply not there, and I think its time for the Midshipmen to stop complaining about our so-called ‘cheating’ and start looking in the mirror.”

Although Navy won, the game certainly was compelling. It was fairly close until the fourth quarter, when Navy started to pull away. That’s when the drone made its second appearance.

As running back Eric Roberts was streaking down the field toward the end zone, untouched by defenders, the drone swooped down and struck him in the head, knocking him unconscious and putting him in the hospital with a concussion.

“Boy, that was a low blow,” said Johnson. “The game was in the bag at that point, and that was just sour grapes. There was no need to do that to Eric. It just shows what bad losers they are. That’s right, the US Army is a sore loser. Does that shock anybody?”

“I was running as fast as I could,” said Roberts from his hospital bed. “I was in the open field and the end zone was in my sights. Just as I was about to score, I heard this buzzing above my head. I looked up and it was coming right at me. Now I know what that Al Qaeda guy in Yemen felt like – fucking scared shit.

According to witnesses, the Black Knights were celebrating happily after the Predator made the game saving tackle.

“Yea, we were celebrating. What’s wrong with that?” asked Army linebacker Ryan Kent. “We may have been out of the game, but we play till the last minute. There’s no quit in this team. That little plane made a great tackle. I would’ve shot the son of a bitch, but that’s just me. And Gary did a kick ass job controlling it. He really deserves the game ball.”

Gary Broberg, the cadet who was controlling the Predator, said he was grateful for the opportunity to help his team.

“It was just an honor to be a part of this,” Broberg said. “Even though we didn’t win, we made some great plays, and I was just happy to be a part of it. But I can’t take all the credit for it. Predator did all the leg work, I just mapped out the game plan.”

President Bush, who attended the game, praised Army for its resourcefulness and said that the use of the Predator drone “sent a message to all enemies of freedom.”

“By using this technology, and showing that we have the resolve to continue fighting even in the face of despair, we are sending a message to our enemies that our will is strong, and we will not be intimidated by a band of thugs and assassins. Not that I’m calling the Navy a bunch of thugs and assassins. Who wrote this damn speech anyway?”